Vaccinations and Flu Shots – You have a choice.

School started a month ago, and I’m sure many families followed the orders of the schools and got their children vaccinated.  Flu season is getting ready to start and the propaganda is already out in full force urging all of us to get the N1H1 vaccine.  Whatever you choose to do, please make an informed decision.  There are a lot of resources available to families trying to live a holistic, natural, and healthy life.  I started questioning and researching vaccinations when the chicken pox vaccine first came out.  Years later when our pediatrician informed us that Gardasil was soon going to be mandatory for all girls we stopped.  Our children are no longer vaccinated.

An excellent resource for parents with school age children is the Vaccination Liberation website.  There is legal information, research, and forms to opt out of vaccinations that the school must accept.

Also check out National Vaccine Information Center and Holistic Moms Network.

Following is Barbara Loe Fisher from National Vaccine Information Center talking about Gardasil and N1H1 vaccinations.

This stunning censored interview was cut from the TV program The Health Century due to its huge liability — the admission that the Merck drug company has been injecting cancer viruses into people worldwide.

Are you a sexy mom?

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I tend to say, err…  scream, “Oh God!” during intimate times with my honey.  It’s hard to explain what is going on inside my head during those moments because I’m…  well…  I’m enjoying the moment.  One day he asked me about my enthusiastic outburst and I had to stop and try to put a whole cosmos of feeling into mere words.  But to put it simply, it’s like a little prayer to God inside me that is bursting to come out.  It’s like saying, “Thank you God for this opportunity to be the woman you made me with the man that you gave me.”

Mazda MVP – The best minivan in the world

Something more to be thankful about…

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my minivan.  Which is saying a lot, because I never wanted to be a minivan driving momma.  But with four kids, well…  it’s illegal to stow any of them in the trunk or strap a few onto the roof…  so minivan it is.

At first I was totally geeked about getting a Nissan Quest.  I just had to have it.  I hated the Dodge Caravan.  I rented one several times to take my students to yearbook workshops.  That thing was soooo uncomfortable.  And it was a pain to go in reverse – the rear vision was totally crappy.  We looked at a ton of vans (my honey likes to shop around).  Then we saw it…  There it was, just another normal looking van.  Until we got inside and OMG!!!!  The rear windows roll down!  Like in a normal car.  No more suffocating in the back seat.  I was sold!  But not just that.  It’s comfortable, it drives nice, the rear visibility is very good, it holds 3 car seats and an enormous teenager with room for another passenger (it seats 7 total).  Now, I’m no engine buff…  so I’m not going to go into any details about genius engineering or anything like that.  But this is a VERY mommy friendly ride.

And did I mention that the back windows roll down!  Ah bliss.

On the verge of a gestalt moment…

This has been bothering me for some time. For three years I have been on a journey of self-transformation. I find myself rediscovering God and myself and my place with Him. Hours and hours of prayer, meditation, reading, and learning and I am still a little stumped. Here’s the deal. I am so immersed in the lives of my family – my children and my husband – that I am struggling to separate my successes and failures from theirs. I think it is one of my life’s lessons. When I see one of them struggling, I think it is my responsibility to “fix it”. Sometimes it is because they are struggling with the very same issues that I struggle with. And they are all so very near and dear to me that I want only the best for them. But I am only me. And I can only fix myself, so to speak. But I also take my responsibility as a mother and wife very seriously.

I know I am getting closer to this great moment of self-discovery because I have started to catch myself doing this. I used to sit in judgment. Well, that of course caused a whole host of problems. But I am starting to see what the real problem is. I will keep praying and meditating on this.

Making progress

Sigh. Take a deep breath.

I am ok. That is a good place to start. I am ok.

Been working on gathering some funds to help pay for therapy. Our wonderful church has helped by donating. God, I feel so blessed, even with all this going on.

I tried calling my parents… but they are on vacation. So that will have to wait.

And, I’m still plugging away. I am working on my first professional freelance graphic design job. Woot! And still getting involved in real estate investing. Slow and steady. That’s good.

The cost of therapy

Look at me. You’d never know it. But I am a survivor of sexual child abuse. Why didn’t any one report it? Why wasn’t anything done? How could this have happened? Well, it happens all the time. And nobody ever knows about it. This is a dirty, dark secret that so many people have. It happens in all classes, to people of all races, all countries, all situations. Educated, ignorant, wealthy, poor, it doesn’t matter. Abuse is not prejudiced. It affects everyone. It is easy to jump on the bandwagon and scream for the end of child abuse. It is easy to point the finger of blame. It is easy to make a list of possible signs of abuse and wonder why things continue on as they have for centuries.

The thing is, there really aren’t any signs. There are no clues. Unless the incident is violent and results in disease, pregnancy, or serious physical injury, you have no clue that something bad is happening. I am not, of course, talking about those absolutely horrible examples of abuse and neglect you see on the news. Stories of children locked up in basements, half starving and barely able to speak are sprinkled here and there throughout the media as sordid examples of human degradation and how the state comes in like knights in shining armor to save the day. These are tragic examples that pull at our emotions. They are horrible, vile examples of human wretchedness.

But what I am talking about is more prolific, more hidden, and therefore, more dangerous. Everything that in hind-sight causes you to kick yourself… I should have seen this! I should have known… everything… can be explained away and overlooked as normal. Potty training regression? It doesn’t cause a light bulb to go off in your head until a certain age. Aggression, teen angst, sullenness and pouting, lying about cleaning the litter box? What child doesn’t go through all of these? I went through my whole life and nobody knew I was a victim of child abuse. NOBODY. After I was older (about 18 years old) I would secretly tell a few select friends. Often times the other girl would share a similar experience. But we never elaborated on it. It was like we all belonged to a secret club and spoke in secret codes. I would look, nod my head, and say something like “Well, YOU know.” and she would reply with a nod “Yeah, THAT.” As I got older I even encountered guy friends who had suffered similar abuse. And yet still, it seemed like a girl’s suffering. I even foolishly thought that my first child would be safe from what I experienced, simply because he was a boy. How blissfully ignorant I was.

My oldest son never liked chocolate. One Easter Sunday (about three years ago), after returning home from a weekend trip with my parents, my son stuffed a pound of solid chocolate in his face while hovering over the kitchen sink. I was shocked, afraid, stricken, heartbroken. He didn’t understand why I was so upset. To this day he has no recollection of being abused. It was my only sign. But, after living as a victim for so long, and living a life of secrecy and denial, I told myself that our family could take care of this ourselves. After all, this could have been anything. Maybe I was being over sensitive because of my own abuse history. This wasn’t, after all, your typical sign of abuse. I thought we could handle this. After all, I had “handled” my own abuse for my whole life. But the reality was that I wasn’t handling anything. I was doing what I had always done, pretending that life was fine, that everything was just dandy. I thought that if I was a good mother, I could heal all hurts with kisses and hugs. I thought by just avoiding my father I was dealing with my own abuse. But this was so not true. About a year ago I learned about EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). I didn’t think about it much at the time until a small incident in my own life caused me to realize that I needed real help. I scrambled onto the internet and dug up that article. I ended up contacting an EFT practitioner and went in for a session. The result took us both by surprise. I had worked on my own childhood abuse and came out a better, more whole person. One hour, $50 out of my pocket, and real tools that I could use brought me closer to real healing than I had ever been in my life. But that was just me. I didn’t realize that my children were suffering too.

Why is this happening to me? I love God and follow his commandments. I practice the Law of Attraction. I have spent the last two years of my life transforming my spiritual, mental, and physical health. I still need to exercise more and quit smoking, but I’m more totally healthy now than I have ever been my entire life. Why now? If everything in my life is because I willed it to be so, did I cause this? I read an interesting book by Joe Vitale, Zero Limits. The Ho’Oponopono guru was talking to Joe Vitale about this very issue. He states something to the effect that, how do we know that a person has attracted problems into their life. It is possible that God has allowed tragedy to happen for a greater purpose. It is definitely something to think about. My thoughts around my children were always hopes and dreams, a bright glittering future of endless possibilities. Is that all over now? Amazingly, I still have hope. I will do whatever it takes to help my children achieve their best future, even if it means telling the world about my secret history, the shame of my childhood. I have been poor for a long time, both financially and spiritually. I didn’t get professional help for myself because I thought I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t get professional help for my children at the beginning because, again, I thought I couldn’t afford it. How many other people are in the same situation? How many other people are struggling along in secrecy and shame because it seems there is no other alternative? How many other people are hurting like this?

I don’t want this history to continue hurting my family. I love them all dearly. It is time for me to move beyond my own healing and look to bring healing to everyone I love… everyone that matters most to me… my children, my husband, how many more people need to be hurt because of what my father did. No more!
This is too important to sweep under the rug again. Paying for therapy is going to really hurt us financially, but this is all too important to ignore.

100 degrees and finally dropping – living without an air conditioner

Oh my God!  We finally got our air conditioner running.  It needed to be recharged.  We weren’t planning on turning it on so soon in the year though, but this heat and humidity took us by storm.  Last year we didn’t even need to turn it on until the last week of summer, when we discovered it wasn’t working.  Grr.  What was the point in fixing the air conditioner when we were only going to need it for another week or two.  Last year we sweat it out.  But this year, it’s only June.  Now, I like it warm.  If I had my way the heater would be cranking it out to 85 degrees all winter long.  So I really wasn’t expecting to want to turn on the air until around August.  But yesterday as I was sitting there melting in my chair I turned to my Honey and said, “Let’s get the air conditioner running.” I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move, the kids were breaking out in heat rashes.  Humingbird even threw up yesterday morning because of the heat.   So we called up the guy and he came out today to put more of that wonderful toxic gas into it.  Now it’s a nice dry 83 degrees.  Ahhhh.  That’s better.

It is a bit of a conflict though.  On the one hand, I long to be able to stay away from such unnatural and unhealthy methods of living.  But on the other hand, we don’t live in a house that can allow for comfortable living without it.  This house was designed for air conditioning.  What is one to do other than move into a cave or something?  What are the options?

No More Diapers – Almost!

Humbingbird (the 2 year old) has been wearing big girl underwear for about 3 months now and has upgraded to wearing her underwear through the night instead of a diaper.  Yay!  And she’s been dry – no accidents (knock on wood).

And finally Squirrel (the 3 year old) is wanting to wear his big boy underwear after what seemed a lifetime of “no, I want to wear my diaper”.  Last week on Sunday he went all day in his undies.  And then Monday came around and we asked him if he wanted to wear his big boy underwear…  “no, I’m going to do that on Sunday.”  :/  But Sunday came around and he remembered and asked to wear his big boy underwear.  Yay.  Only one accident right after he woke up from nap.  He’s not ready to go without a diaper during the night though.  And that’s okay.  And hoorah, this morning he brought down his undies by himself.  He likes to pee standing up (yes, he makes the sound effects when he’s expalining this to me) because he doesn’t squirt himself.  Or at least that is his reasoning.  I think it just makes him feel like a big boy.

Finding Employment During a Down Economy

My husband lost his job two years ago.  I quit being a full-time stay at home mom and got a part time job at a local fast food joint.  It’s been a rough two years.  Both of us are degreed professionals but are struggling to find adequate employment.  Too much experience, not enough experience, the wrong kind of experience.  Ugh.  It has been frustrating to say the least.  I tried to go back to school, but wasn’t able to afford it and couldn’t qualify for a student loan as I have not been able to repay enough of my original school loan.  It’s a vicious cycle.  It is a pity that this country holds the abilities of teachers at such a low level that we are both virtually unemployable.  It doesn’t seem to matter that the skills of teachers are highly transferable into any field.  Sigh.  But I cannot look at the doom and gloom side of it.  I must remain confident.  I am a professional and  perfectly capable woman who would be an asset anywhere.  Oh, yes, we are starting the school.  But that is going to take time to get off the ground.  Until then…  we must eat and pay our bills.  So, I keep looking.  I’m updating my graphic design skills (might as well make us of my art degree, right!)  I keep blogging, I keep learning something new, I keep writing, I keep on keepin’ on.

Right now I am working on:

• finish writing the parenting book
• develop basic skills curriculum for Pomegranate Gardens School and to publish as a home schooling resource
• develop brochure to start advertising my skills as a freelance graphic designer
• develop Pomegranate Gardens School brochure
• continue seeking full-time employment that will support my family until I am able to support myself through other means.

There…  That’s not too unrealistic.   I have time lines set for each goal and work steadfastly each day.

Action or Assessment?

I am not sure what to do.  I am a recovering victim of incest.  Yes, it’s ugly, but it’s a fact.  While I have finally learned to forgive my father…  there are still a lot of conflicts within my life that are a direct result of this sad and ugly past.  One of these conflicts is the near estrangement of my relationship with my mother.  It all started with Pork Chop stuffing himself with 3 pounds of chocolate in a matter of mere seconds (he doesn’t like chocolate) and my father following Pumpkin around calling her by my old pet name.  Yeah…  I freaked.  And I called my mother the next day and told her that my father was not allowed near my children any more.  She kept telling me that I needed to forgive him.  Forgiveness does NOT mean blindly trusting that my father is not a predator and will not take advantage of my children.  I stood firm with my mother.  I offered her the opportunity to come over whenever she wanted without my father.  I offered to meet her with the kids at a half-way point so she wouldn’t have to drive all the way to my home.  Nothing doing.  In fact, she still calls up asking if we will bring our family to spend time in some function with her and dad.  It’s depressing and frustrating because I love my mother, but I refuse to expose my children to my father.  The last time we saw them was Christmas.  Mom and Dad showed up laden with presents and spent an uncomfortable hour perched in my living room while the kids opened their gifts.  Big expensive gifts.  I got a digital camera and Pork Chop got a PSP.  Bribery?  Maybe.  I felt so awkward, I didn’t even open up the package to the camera for weeks.  I knew it was stupid.  I knew I was putting it off because of my own feelings of guilt and trauma.  Needless to say.  I have finally started to use the camera, but nowhere near to the extent of my capabilities.  I mean, I have a degree in photography!  I am used to walking around with a camera taking pictures of everything.

Yes.  I am slowly healing and recovering.  My relationship with my husband and children are blossoming now that I have forgiven myself and my father.  But I still have issues.

A couple of days ago, I woke up in a cold sweat.  I was totally panicked.  I had a dream of my father taking advantage of myself and other little girls at the school where he works.  (Yes, I know I’m a grown woman now, but this is a dream.)  My father is the custodian at an elementary school.  (5th-6th graders).  You heard me right.  He works near children.  Now, I had always thought that his affliction was targeted only to family members (his sister, myself, my children).  But what if this is wrong.  Is this a call to action?  Do I need to contact the school and spill my ugly history to a small town elementary school where everybody knows everybody?  Or is this my psyche still working on self healing?  Is this dream just a sign that I still have some issues to resolve?